


What if it's not going to be alright?

by raitapaita



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 07:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11916039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raitapaita/pseuds/raitapaita
Summary: "Alec started to panic because now it was all coming true: the crushing feeling of fear, the demon standing in front of him, the blood on the floor and the limp body on the carpet. Now Magnus wasn’t there to tell him that it was just a dream or that it was going to be alright. No, because it wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t going to be alright."Alec loses the love of his life. (Or does he?)





	What if it's not going to be alright?

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place few weeks or few months after 2x20. Also, this is my first fanfic and English isn't my first language, so it's not perfect, but I hope that you will still like it!

Alec was just about to open the front door of Magnus’ place, when he heard a scream. He was so tired after a long day of demon hunting, that he didn’t know where the loud voice came from. Every muscle in Alec’s body tensed and he quickly turned around ready to face another demon, a Circle member or perhaps just a mundane murderer. The hallway behind him was clear, there was no sign of anyone. Alec was confused: he could’ve swore he heard a scream. Maybe he was so tired that his mind was playing tricks with him. 

With a sigh he turned around again facing the door, because he just couldn’t wait to go in and spend some quality time with his boyfriend. Tonight he just wanted to cuddle with Magnus while watching some crappy reality TV-show like Project Runway. Well, at least it was Alec thought it was crappy, for some odd reason Magnus loved the show. (Okay, maybe he was exaggerating. Alec actually liked to watch it, sometimes even without Magnus when he had some free time. Not that he would admit it to anyone. Ever.)

Just as he opened the door he heard another scream, but this time it was louder and more painful. And it came inside the loft.”Magnus?” Alec yelled but no one answered. He quickly ran into the living room heart pounding in his chest, where he was greeted by his biggest fear. He was face to face with the thing he was seeing nightmares about almost every night, which leaded to Magnus waking up and comforting him, until Alec finally fell asleep again.

Alec started to panic because now it was all coming true: the crushing feeling of fear, the demon standing in front of him, the blood on the floor and the limp body on the carpet. Now Magnus wasn’t there to tell him that it was just a dream or that it was going to be alright. No, because it wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t going to be alright. 

Alec quickly pulled a seraph blade from his belt and easily stabbed it right through the demon, which disappeared. 

“No, no…” Alec mumbled as he kneeled in front Magnus’ bloody body turning him to his back. He saw the huge claw marks that went right through his chest and some smaller wounds on his arms. Okay, everything was going to be alright, he was going to call Catarina and-

Then he saw Magnus’ still chest and eyes that stared into nothing. His heart missed a beat, Alec could almost feel it shatter. Alec gently cupped the warlocks face and started speaking with trembling voice:”Mags, baby, please wake up! Please, I-” Alec words where cut when a sob escaped from his lips. He put his hands on Magnus’ shoulders and shook him staring into his once so beautiful but now so empty cat eyes.”Magnus, hey please look at me, please...”

Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he took Magnus’ body into his arms and held him the same way Magnus always held Alec when he had a nightmare. He hid his face into Magnus’ hair, into the soft hair that he just stroked this morning. Finally he lifted his head and looked straight into his dead eyes.

“No, no, no... You said it was going to be alright, you said you were not going to leave me. Why did you lie? Why-” Alec’s whole body was shaking as he tightened his hold on Magnus pulling him as close to his chest as he could.

Alec was panicking as he spoke and his eyes were red with tears streaming down from them:“Mags, what I’m going to do now? I- I can’t live without you. I told you that and still, still you left me, why did you leave me?” He stopped speaking, and like waiting for an answer he stayed silent.

Why did he leave Alec? Why did Magnus let a demon kill him? Why was the High Warlock of Brooklyn and the love of Alec’s life dead? Alec was rocking Magnus’ body back and forth waiting, but there was no answer. Just painful silence.

.

Jace felt that something was wrong with Alec through their bond, so he quickly ran into Izzy’s room and opened the door. She was sitting on the bed reading a cookbook. “Jace, how many times have I told you that you have to knock! You can’t just-” She lifted her gaze from the book and stopped in the middle of the sentence. Something wasn’t right. 

“It’s Alec.” Jace said. It was all the information that Izzy needed as she got up and started walking quickly towards the exit. 

“He told me he was going to walk to Magnus’ so we should go there as well.” Izzy tried to be calm as possible but Jace saw that his sister was really worried, just as he was. What were they going to do if something terrible happened to their big brother?

“I feel pain through our bond but I don’t think that Alec is physically hurt. The pain is more intense that I have ever felt, it’s like grief. Izzy, he’s in so much pain.” Izzy looked at Jace panic clear in her eyes. They activated their speed runes and ran into Magnus’ loft.

There was no wards around Magnus’ loft and the door was open so Jace and Izzy just walked straight inside. They heard sobs coming from the living room which got louder as they got closer. There they saw something heartbreaking: Alec was sitting on the carpet, crying and holding Magnus’ bloody body in his arms. Jace had never seen Alec as happy as when he was with Magnus but now… He had never seen his parabatai so broken. Izzy was the first one to act as she hurried next to Alec.

“Alec, what happened? Why- what can we do?” Her voice was shaking because she knew that there were nothing they could do. Magnus was gone.

Alec looked at Izzy with a pained expression. “Izzy, what am I going to do? I- I can’t live without him I-” Alec broke down completely hiding his face into Magnus’ black hair and smelling the familiar scent of Magnus which was now mixed with blood. There were tears on Izzy’s and Jace’s eyes as well as they tried comfort their brother. But how can you comfort someone who just lost the love of their life?

.

Two days later:  
Alec tried to forget everything, he really tried. He spent the whole day hunting demons and going on missions just to forget. He didn't take any breaks, because he knew, that if he closed his eyes or stopped for a minute, he would remember. His life was now the same before Magnus but more painful, because now he knew what it was to be happy. Alec’s happiness had been tied to one person: to Magnus, but now that he was gone there was no happiness for him. When a Shadowhunter finds someone, it’s for life. Alec already had found his someone and now he had lost him. 

Tomorrow would be Magnus’ funeral so Alec decided to visit him one last time. He went to the Institute’s morgue where Magnus’ body was on a cold steel table. He still had the same clothes on than couple of days ago when Alec left the loft in the morning to get to work, but now they were ripped. Magnus would be so mad because his favorite shirt was completely ruined, not that it would matter anymore.

There was no point in doing an autopsy, because the cause of death was clear, so they just kept Magnus’ body here until they could bury it. Luckily, he was the head of the Institute, because otherwise they wouldn’t allow a warlock’s body to be in here, and Alec just needed Magnus to be close one way or the other. Of course after tomorrow it wouldn't be possible anymore.

Alec sat down on the chair next to Magnus and took his cold hand into his own. He gently stroked his hair and started speaking calmly. He didn't usually use pet names with Magnus, or with anyone for that matter, but this was an exemption. “Hey baby, I’m here. I wanted to visit you one last time. I- I miss you so much, you have no idea.” 

Alec took a ragged breath and started drawing circles into Magnus’ hand with his thumb. “I’m sorry that I yelled you, I know that- that you would be here if you could. It wasn’t your fault. I love you, but it hurts so much that it’s hard to breathe. I- I just wish that you would be here.”

Alec stayed there for hours crying and holding Magnus’ hand and whispering comforting words into his ear, like he could hear them. He tried to remember every part of Magnus: his black, usually spiky, but now flat hair, his soft and pink lips which were stained with blood, his beautiful but now so pale face. Alec tried to notice and save every little thing about Magnus, so he could always remember him, but there was one important thing he missed.

The slow and weak beat of Magnus’ heart, which never stopped beating completely. It was so faint that no one could hear it, but it was there, and so was Magnus’ magic. Slowly it increased as his body took some strength from Alec, and it started to heal Magnus cell by cell. His magic was so strong, that it had been able to keep him alive but just barely and just because of Alec’s strength. When he held him for hours after the demon attack Alec unconsciously gave Magnus almost all the strength he had, which activated his magic to protect his body. There were almost no warlocks whose magic could do that, but was also not many warlocks whose father was a Prince of Hell. 

After the sun had already set hours ago Alec got up and kissed Magnus’ forehead. “I love you, Magnus, so much.” And with that he let go of his hand and quickly ran across the Institute into his room, where he broke down completely. He cried and screamed, not caring that anyone could hear him. The pain of losing Magnus almost ripped him apart. He just wanted to be with Magnus, to hold him in his arms when they both drifted asleep or to cuddle with him on the couch while watching Project Runway, but that was impossible.

After there were no tears left he decided to go outside on a walk and to clear his head. Maybe it would help him to get in terms with that there was no happy ending for him.

.

He opened his eyes. Everything was dark and he was lying on something cold. He got up and looked around, trying to recognize the place he was in. Magnus had been here before when he inspected a dead forsaken with Isabelle; he was in the Institute’s morgue. He sat up on the table and tried to remember why he was here. He looked at his body and saw some pink, almost healed scarves in his arms and his shirt that was ruined. (Why did it have to be this shirt? Why couldn't it have been something not so amazing?) 

Then he remembered: Alec had come into his loft and was acting very strange, so Magnus had guided him into his living room and turned his back on him. As soon as he had turned around again to face Alec, he had attacked Magnus and started to rip his body apart. 

How could have Magnus been so stupid? Why did Magnus even put his guards down that day? He always lowered his walls when he was with Alec, because he loved and trusted the Shadowhunter. Magnus had thought that it was a good thing, but he had almost died because it. No, he had almost died because his own stupidity, Magnus reminded himself. He hadn’t even realized that it was actually a shape shifting demon until it was too late.

Magnus decided to stop beating himself up for something that was done already, and got up. He used magic to change his ripped and bloody shirt to a normal white t-shirt. He was still pretty weak, but he felt himself and his magic get stronger every second. That must be the reason that he was still alive: his magic had to be the thing that kept him slipping away. He wanted to know more about how he was even alive, but first he needed to see his Alexander.

.

He had walked slowly across the Institute to Alec’s room without anyone noticing him. Luckily it was after midnight judging from the lack of light coming outside, so almost everyone was sleeping already. Magnus knocked on Alec’s door, but there were no answer. He opened the door slowly and looked inside, but there was nobody there. 

The room was a mess. There were clothes everywhere (black clothes, because when did Alec wear something else than dark colors?), all the drawers were open and there were glass shards on the floor. That’s when Magnus realized that Alec must think that he’s dead and clearly isn’t taking it well.

Magnus started to panic. What if Alec would hurt himself? He remembered clearly the night of Max’s rune ceremony, when Alec jumped on the ledge of his balcony and almost died. Of course there was magic involved, but he couldn't help but be scared about what Alec might do to himself this time. If Magnus would be in Alec's situation he would be devastated, and he had a feeling that the younger one felt like that right now.

He decided that he should ask Isabelle about him, maybe he was just on a mission. Magnus walked to Isabelle’s door which was not far away and knocked. He heard sheets ruffling and he assumed that she had been sleeping already. 

Sleepy and furious Isabelle opened the door. “Don’t you know that it’s the middle of the night-” she said but stopped when she realized who was standing in front of her. “Magnus? What- How- Are you-” 

He hadn’t had realized that Isabel also thought that he died, and so did everyone else. “Sorry to bother you, but this is important. And yes, I'm alive.” 

As Isabelle recovered from the shock she took couple of steps forward and hugged Magnus. “I- We thought that you were dead.” she said as they separated. 

“Well, I was almost. My magic kept me alive but just barely.” She was smiling and Magnus was surprised of how happy she was about seeing him again. He didn’t know that he meant that much to Isabelle, or to anyone.

“Alec must be so happy! He was really miserable without you and-”

Magnus lifted his hand up and silenced Isabelle. “I haven’t seen him, he wasn’t in his room. Do you know were he is?” 

She seemed confused. “He should be there… Oh, I heard someone leave like 20 minutes ago, maybe it was Alec.” That is what Magnus was afraid of. What if Alec did the same as the night of the party, but this time Magnus couldn't save him? He was getting dizzy, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to walk around the Institute. 

He stayed silent so Isabelle continued: “I will call him and say to come here, come in.” Magnus walked in and closed the door behind him.

Isabelle dialed Alec's number and called him. Magnus paced around the room hoping that Alec would pick up, because he needed to know if he was alright. No actually, he needed him to be alright. He was starting to get dizzy again so he sat on Isabelle’s bed. 

After a while Isabelle started speaking: “Alec, where are you?” Magnus heard Alec answer, but it was so quiet that he didn’t hear what he said. Still, Alec was alright, he was alive. Relief washed through his body. 

“Come to the Institute now.” Isabelle said and sat next to Magnus on the bed so he could hear what Alec answered: “I can’t come there, Izzy. I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything, okay? I can’t live without him...”

Magnus’ heart broke, because Alec sounded so sad like he had been crying, and that was his fault. All he wanted to do now was to hold the younger man in his arms and tell that it was going to be alright. He thought of making a portal to where ever Alec was, but he was too weak to do anything, even changing his shirt was exhausting. 

“Alec, come here now. I promise you will feel better, just come home so we can talk.” Isabelle said trying to change his brother’s mind. Magnus and Isabel both knew that there was no point in Magnus talking to Alec over the phone or telling him that Magnus was alive, because he wouldn't believe it. 

“Okay, just five minutes.” said Alec and hung up the phone. 

“You two can spend the night here, you have a lot to talk about. I will just sleep at Alec’s room, okay?” Isabelle proposed. 

“Alec’s room is a mess. You don’t have to do that I will-” 

“No, I insist. I can clean it all up. You two have been through some much you deserve some rest.” she said and smiled to him. Magnus was amazed by her kindness.

“Thank you, Isabel.” he said smiling back at her. 

“No problem.” Isabel started walking towards the door but stopped. “And Magnus?” 

“Yes?”

“I’m so happy that you are here, alive.” and just like that she left. 

Now he was just waiting for him to come. In five minutes he was going to see his Alexander.

.

As he was walking in the streets of New York without a destination, his phone rang. Alec took it out of his pocket and answered. It was Izzy: “Alec, where are you?” She sounded concerned and for that he felt bad.

“Just outside walking.” There was no point in lying to her, she could read him as an open book. 

“Come to the Institute now.” Didn’t Izzy understand that he needed to be alone? 

“I can’t come there, Izzy. I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything, okay? I can’t live without him...” It just hurt all the time. Being at the Institute brought up too many memories, and made him miss Magnus so fucking much. What if he was going to feel like this for the rest of his life? 

“Alec come here now. I promise you will feel better, just come home so we can talk.” Alec knew that talking didn’t help, he knew that nothing would help. Institute wasn’t his home, he didn’t have a home to come back to. His home had been Magnus. 

“Okay, just five minutes.” he said knowing that Izzy wasn’t going to give up anytime soon and he was too tired to argue with her.

. 

He had actually been pretty close to the Institute, so it had taken only a couple of minutes to walk there. He opened the Institute’s front door, and walked to Izzy’s room. He knocked on the door, and he heard his sister getting up and then opening the door. One more talk about how he felt about Magnus’ death by his sister. She just didn’t understand that talking didn’t help, nothing helped. Alec missed him too much. 

The door opened, but it wasn’t his sister. But no, it couldn't be, Magnus was dead, he saw it with his own eyes. There he was, right in front of him. His eyes weren’t frozen, his skin wasn’t pale and his chest wasn’t still anymore. Magnus was alive or maybe Alec was just going crazy. 

“Alexander” he said and smiled. That’s all what it took to Alec to believe him. He jumped right into his arms and hugged Magnus with everything he had. Alec buried his head in Magnus’ neck as tears were falling from his eyes. He was so relieved and happy: Magnus was here, the love of his life was alive. Maybe he would have a happily ever after after all. 

“Darling, I can’t breathe.” Magnus squeaked after some time and Alec let go of him. “Sorry I- I-”

“No need to be sorry.” Magnus stopped him by putting his finger on Alec’s lips. Then Magnus moved his hand and cupped Alec’s face. Alec leaned into the familiar touch and lifted his gaze to Magnus’ eyes which were red and there were tears streaming down from them. Alec lifted his hand up and wiped the tears away with his thumb. 

Then he moved his gaze to Magnus’ lips and put his hands on his hips. They both leaned forward until their lips nearly touched and just stayed like that for a second, just breathing, until finally Alec connected their lips.

It was soft, their lips barely touched, but it was filled with emotion. Magnus moved his hands from Alec’s cheeks to his neck and deepened the kiss. Alec had thought that he would never feel this way again, like he was complete. After a while they broke the kiss, but still stayed close to each other resting their foreheads together. 

As Alec started to come back to the reality he realized he had many questions to Magnus. He just blurted out the most important one: “How are you alive?” Alec still couldn't understand how Magnus was here, after he had already given up. Magnus expression turned more painful and he dropped his arms onto Alec’s shoulders, but still stayed close to him. 

“I think that after the- the attack my magic kept me alive but just barely. Honestly, I don’t even know for sure. I wish-” Magnus stopped in the middle of the sentence when the room started to swing around him, and then he was falling. 

Alec caught him just in time by putting his hands behind his back. “Magnus, are you alright?” he asked worry clear in his voice.

“Just tired” he answered quietly. 

“You should rest” Alec said and Magnus nodded in agreement. Alec lifted Magnus up and carried him to bed. Magnus’ eyes were closing and he looked exhausted, so Alec just carefully took his shoes off as well as his own. Then he turned the lights off and laid on the bed next to Magnus tucking them under the covers. Although Magnus was almost asleep, he laid his head on Alec’s chest and Alec put his arms around the warlock. 

They stayed silent for a minute and Alec thought that Magnus was already asleep, but then he broke the silence. “Alexander, I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain I-” Alec just tightened his hold on Magnus and started talking.

”Mags, don’t say you’re sorry. I’m just so incredibly happy that you are here with me, okay?” Magnus sighed in relief.

“I love you so much.” Magnus said turning his head and looking at Alec.

“I love you, too. So much.”

Magnus fell asleep soon on the Shadowhunter's chest, but Alec had hard time to even close his eyes, because he was scared that once he would open them again, his boyfriend would be gone. He stroked Magnus’ hair in order to calm himself down and it was slowly working. It was over now, they were together again. 

Finally, Alec fell asleep with Magnus close to him. When the nightmares came, Magnus was there to hold him and tell him that it was just a dream and that it was going to be alright. And this time it was really going to be alright.


End file.
